As I've said so many years on New Year's Eve, this year will be better.

New Years Eve this year, I'm saying, "2010 is gonna SUCK!" The odds should be with me if the past is any indication.

Last fall, I experienced the peace of near death. In January, my step-son passed over. In March, my mom. VERY soon I'm going to have to take BooBoo on her last ride...to the vet. The drama and discontent surrounds me, and has with a vengeance since the January loss. Out of love, I have allowed myself to be sucked into it. Now, again, I hear I am not a part of this family & should stay out. I've been called names, even by my step-granddaughter that I would prefer were not in cyberspace. This 'family' is divided and borderline dysfunctional. (1 dad, 2 moms and 7 kids total...at different times of course!...it's not THAT out there! :) ) Halfs. Steps. Wyoming is looking good. The Black Hills, the Bighorns. I have 2 other escapee ex wive friends in that state from this same family! (Long story) There is yet one more scar on my heart. The mountains screan out my name...and it echoes in my head. I'm a runaway. I ran as a kid, and have ran a big share of my life. I'm even a runaway bride. Yikes! I'm tired of running. And packing. And moving. And un-packing. I'm just...tired.

But my son is here. And my grandson. Blood. Tonight I am watching "We Shall Remain" on PBS.

http://www.pbs.org/wbgh/americanexperience/ Stories are spoken of in this series. And family, and ancestors, and how the stories, told down through the generations, are in our blood, & make us 'Who We Are'. I believe northern (Viking) tribes (correct me if I'm wrong) believe we need strife in our life. My question: Why? I'm perfectly content without it. I don't understand. And yet, it surrounds me.

Fractals and Strange Loops

I really do think too much. AND, I can't remember when my mind has been challenged so much.
It's GREAT!

"But if consciousness would seem to be represented by fractal behavior, what is the underlying recursive algorithm?"(dj)

I've got the feeling that the algorithm is simple...right there in front of my eyes. But still I think.
Is the algorithm consciousness?
Is the algorithm simply I?
Or should I just stick with riding the 'strange loops'?

Are these 'strange loops' what is going on in my head everyday?

We Shall Remain

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/weshallremain/the_films/episode_2_trailer

I watched a show on PBS tonight called "The Loneliest Animals", and would like to share this link...

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/episodes/the-loneliest-animals/introduction/4898/

A connection indeed!

Consciousness is a Tree...by God!

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=368741866&blogId=377052788

Wondering out loud

Poe said "Is all we see or seem, but a dream within a dream?"
So, I'm sitting here wondering if consciousness just ***poof***, disappears when our bodies die, or does it like so many other things in nature go on? Does "I" poof? Or just a fragment of "I"? Does consciousness stop functioning, and if so, when?

If there is a fine line between genius and insanity, could a person stand with a foot on each side? Is this as uncommon as is thought? (I've found myself often having a leg on each side & my mind in the middle.)

I recently watched a piece on pbs with Allen Alda. "Independent Lens" I think, on dreams. And in the past, I've peeked into dream interpretation books. The researchers that were with Mr. Alda somewhat concluded that our dreams are 'fragments' of all kinds of symbols, and in REM, our mind is trying to make sense of it, but that there may be no sense to it. (Leg on each side, mind in middle.)
I've recently been 'wondering' about dreams a lot lately. Not just my own, which finally have returned, but those of a family member. She has been showing signs of Gulf War Syndrome (as has her daughter, my granddaughter), and her dreams have been...not good. They have traced GWS back to a packet of pills that the troops were forced to take. (Agent Orange just *popped* into my mind.)
She has had some symptoms, and is persuing it through the VA now. I still worry...it's my nature, and my disease: GAD...generalized anxiety disorder. I've got it under control. If the GAD isn't bad enough, add depression and you get a comorbidity. Then, after the trauma, I suffered, and still do, from PTSD. I thought a person only got this after combat, but that's not true. Any trumatic experience can take you there, and it depends on so many influences as to the degree of the disease. Meaning. Control. Predictability. Coping strategies.... I am familiar with PTSD to the degree of my own experience. And now young men and women are coming home from Iraq and Afganistan with it...afraid to own it, as that would be displaying weakness. They've been contaminated and brain washed. And it doesn't end when their tour is over.

"Y" do there have to be wars?

How can humans be so...brutal? Mean? Where does that come from? I don't understand. I don't want to.

Strange Loop

It is my understanding that our brains encode and then categorize (after incoming info makes it from our working memory, to our short-term memory, and then into our long-term memory) any experiences we have had, or any new phenomena or information we receive from our environments &/or surroundings. So, deep within our brains are files, so to speak, somewhat like a filing cabinet, where this is all stored. And so, the reaching down would be our 'self' reaching into the cabinet, and pulling out a file that pertains to any new experiences or phenomena, and perhaps comparing notes...the new info vs. the old...where we then have the 'choice' to either update the old file, or leave it alone and dispose of the new info as useless. It seems to be a personal choice as to what we accept as useful or useless. Although, I believe that it is also probable that we could also choose to merely add the new info to the old, and thus encode that and store it for future use. It is what draws our attention...what we find important enough, interesting enough, useful enough, to work it through our levels of memory. We touched on this in Psychology, and in particular, 'Eye Witnesses'...who are, regardless of what attorneys may think, all but useless in a courtroom. There can be several eye-witnesses to the exact same incident, and each can/will have his/her own version of 'what happened'. Why? Because they viewed the incident from different places, points of view. They could individually be focusing on completely different aspects of the incident, allowing other aspects of the incident to slip past them, or go completely unnoticed. And in order for anything to even begin to enter into our minds and memories they have to be 'noticed'. We have to be 'aware' of them. We have to be 'conscious' of them. This 'Strange Loop', as the word loop alludes to, is very circular. AND, very individual. Individual because it is our individual 'choices' that decide what we encode and what we don't. And this contributes to just exactly why we are all so different. All of it. What I see may not be what others see. What I find interesting, others may find useless or boring. What others 'think' may not be what I think. Even our personal 'thoughts' are influential in determining what we choose to 'save', and what we 'choose' to discard. How we individually translate incoming information/phenomenon...and whether or not we decide if it is worth thinking about long enough to work into our memory or not. It seems to me that this 'Loop' is our selves choosing to reach into our past selves to determine what our future selves choose to be...or do with themselves. Choices. It would seem to me that this 'Loop' is happening in ourSelves all the time, subconsciously if nothing else...but I wouldn't swear to it, I'm just speaking for mySelf.
"That storm last night was awful!"
"I've seen worse."
"Then why do you stay here?"
"Because I choose to."

McLuhan & Poe...& a peek into lynda

Ah! McLuhan alludes to Poe! My interest is piqued! "Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." Sweet to know that, if indeed I am crazy, I'm not alone. In fact, in very good company!

"Have no fear today, dear Virgo, because you have the power and mental capacity to cut through just about anything. Don't let fear or regret hold you back. Clear the pathway and be strong in your approach to the new and different. Stay on target and be bold in all your actions. You have the ability to conquer new lands, both literally and figuratively. Release any mental blocks that might be clogging up your passageway to success."

Funny, how if we listen closely, the sky speaks to us...we merely have to 'listen'. It's more than just a wonderful place to spend your time. Sometimes I'm so reluctant to speak/write. Lack of self-confidence? Maybe. Maybe not. Fear of appearing stupid? Perhaps, but I really don't think so. I've often said that some of the most brilliant people I know are the ones that are capable of saying: "I don't know."

I've needed an outlet for my inner-most feelings. I have needed that for a long time. These things I share with very few. And now, here I am putting them out in cyberspace for the universe to see. Wow! What a giant step for lynda-kind! The sky today says to be strong and bold. Once upon a time I was very strong and bold. I had a true fight in me for what is 'right' and for the underdog. (After all, I'm a child of the 60's...an ol' hippy) And then tragedy struck me and knocked me into a cold and ugly hole that has taken years to crawl out of. It's time for all of that to change. It's time for me to 'listen' to all of the most quietly discreet signs and signals the universe, the ALL, has been so kindly nudging me with. It's taken me way too long, but I've finally learned to listen to my inner voice. Some would refer to that voice as woman's intuition. I call it my umbilical cord to God. It's never lied to me. That's more than I can say for 98% of the people who have walked into...and out of...my life.

This is my first journey with a guide. (Actually, not my first, and especially not with this guide. Our first journey started in class). A brilliant & extraordinary man indeed! But one that I've never laid eyes on. And yet, one I trust. A big part of my life has been spent meandering around the country. Seeing all I could see. Experiencing all that I could experience. And as I sit here now, I realize that in the end, it was disallusioning. Scenery changes, but people for the most part remain the same, no matter where you are. North Platte, NE. really would have never made it to the top of my list of places I wanted to live...but my son & grandson & step-daugher are here. And so I am too. The mountains are where I belong. I miss them, and that rustic cabin in the Selkirk mountain range. 13 acres of wonderment and beauty. Wildlife and adventure. Peace. The thought of castrating my ex for talking the kids & I down out of those mountains still occasionally runs through my head, but doing so would be way to up close and personal! ;) Promises of family clouded my judgement, and expectations have been known to lead to disappointment.

For the most part, I am a loner. I've found that the more people you allow deep within your life, the more confusing and chaotic life becomes. The word 'friend' is as misused as the word 'love' is. Their definitions have become twisted and distorted. I have weeded my garden well. I enjoy my own company...and the company of the chattering monkey that resides in my head. I 'think' too much. The monkey doesn't help me with that at all. Perhaps, after all these years, I should give him a name. Maybe that will make him happy, and he'll leave me alone. A girl can dream anyway! :) Perhaps I haven't named him yet because I don't want to be left alone...???
(To be continued...)